This has been such a painfully slow process. Waiting on bids from demo companies and getting permits to get the dumpsters there and whatever else needs to happen before it all really starts to happen. Now we find out that the movement of the demo'd house may be an issue as we move from frost leaving the ground and the area becoming mush. Ugh, that spring mush is so horrible. I hate just walking on the grass when the ground starts to warm. It won't prevent the demo, but it will slow the removal down because the dumpsters can't be too heavy for the roads. Even the ground under the pavement gets mushy. What crazy things we are learning.
In the meantime, life is becoming what would be considered as normal. Except for those days that I find myself completely fall apart. Luckily that doesn't happen very often. I am pretty sure what triggered a recent crash was after spending a fantastic weekend on my own, while Tom and Kyle went to get my father's car from Florida. I accomplished so many things over the weekend, hung out with friends, Paraded some houses with a bestie, ate awesome meals where and when I wanted (ie the couch at 9 pm) and purchased fun things to continue to make the townhouse our home.
I was convinced that my tulip bed would be starting to peek out and swung by the house Sunday late afternoon with new garden tools in hand. I realized as I was driving there that I hadn't been in weeks and was feeling anxious. Sadly there was still about 4" of snow on my flower beds, but I'm ready with potting soil and planter boxes when the snow melts away and allows those flower buds to begin to peek out.
While there I walked around and was shook by seeing the house. I even caught myself looking in through a window and feeling like I would have seen one of the kitties in the house looking out at me wondering why I was outside. Not like ghost kitty, just one of those moments that you remember about how they would sit there silently meowing at me because I was outside and they weren't. That in itself didn't make me emotional, it just nicked at my heart.
The next day Tom and I sat down to cross reference the receipts we've been racking up against the paper copy of all the things that have been itemized in our loss list. That task was impossible for me. I felt like I was accomplishing nothing, treading water swirling in an eddy. I know how to do that kind of stuff. I get it. But it was unbearable. Gloves, we bought gloves... where are the gloves on the list... what is their number? Cross reference the list of all the things, so many things. Lost. Gone.
The simple question "how are you?" or "how are you doing?" It has such a different meaning to me now. That was brought to my attention not too long ago by a friend that lost a parent. It rings so tru for me now too. We don't really ask that question expecting much more than the answer "fine". But when things aren't fine how do you answer the question. I would never want anyone to not ask, but I need to be prepared with how to answer, to share how I truly am without burdening the casual question but also how to share with those that really want to know.
The painful list has been downloaded digitally, so the process will become easier. Luckily there is not a timeline for that and it's OK to take evenings off and just enjoy time to relax. This next week can't go by fast enough. We've been told that demo should start next Thursday...8 days and counting. If all goes well.
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